i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
