Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
