dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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