We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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