I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
the condom got lost in my hair
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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