Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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