Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
