I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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