I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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