apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Less talking, more tequila
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
