1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just wanna soil my oats bro
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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