my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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