I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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