Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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