If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
