it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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