Just fell off a train. Bad.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
