The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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