i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
