i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
