checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You should frame my arrest warrant.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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