Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
