last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Could you please tell me why If you were a 21 year old man why you would want to sleep with a girl who has tinkerbell bedding?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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