# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Welp...herpes.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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