woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
