I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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