3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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