somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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