Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
