Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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