I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
