I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
