real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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