somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
