You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
