Soap is not a condiment
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
