Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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