you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
