Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
