Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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