I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
