I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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