yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
