did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
