u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
