I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
