I murdered the dance floor call the cops
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
