You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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