Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
