At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
