Just took my morning after pill in the library
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
