someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
