I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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