Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
