He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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