You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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